Dear Beth,

You were my best friend. You were always there for me when I needed you. You were the person that I spent all of my time with. I trusted you with everything in me. I loved you as a sister. There was never a doubt in my mind that we would be friends forever. Our friendship was the kind that I felt comfortable in. I was able to be myself around you. Too bad it was too good to last.

You always hear that life is like a roller coaster and that it has it’s ups and downs. Life is NOT a roller coaster because a roller coaster is fun. I feel like life is more like being schizophrenic. Life goes from one extreme to the next. One day you feel like you are on top of the earth and you are truly happy. Then the next, you feel like there is no point in living anymore. You just want to die because the pain just feels too bad to bear. This last weekend, I was on the good side of that spectrum…and now, I feel lost. I feel hurt. And more than anything, I feel alone. 

I was extremely selfish and inconsiderate this weekend. The only thing I was thinking about was myself and having a good time living in the moment. I was so busy having selfish fun to think about someone I really care about. I don’t think I have ever made anyone felt the way he felt tonight. I can’t believe what I have done. I deserve every pain that I feel right now. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how I hurt someone that I care about so much. And one of the worst things is that I didn’t realize how much I really cared about him until he was gone.

For the majority of my life, I was usually the victim. People have always found it so easy to take advantage of me. To use me and befriend me as long as it was convenient for them. But once it wasn’t convenient for them, then I was then treated like the dirt on their feet. And now, I feel like I did that to him. I know how it feels to be on the other side and I hate that I have made someone else feel that way. 

I know that everyone makes mistakes and that no one is perfect but to me, that doesn’t apply to me. Especially not in this situation. Yes, what I did could have been much worse, but I still feel like what I did was unforgivable and I’m sure he will never talk to me ever again. I hope that I am wrong and he is the person that I think he is and is able to forgive me so that we can move on, but I won’t hold my breath. 

It doesn’t matter how many times you want to take something back or to go back in time, it never happens. There will always be the “what if’s” and “I should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s” but what happened happened. I can’t go back and change what I did, but I am taking responsibility of what I did and will just have to accept the consequences as they come.

I’m sorry Connor. And I hope you can forgive me.

Got home not too long ago and decided to start my blog! After reading a friend’s blog, it inspired me to start blogging myself! I think it will be good for me to write how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. My family and friends can follow me as I go off to college this fall and I can also look back and see what I was thinking at this point in my life. I plan on writing frequently but my plans are always changing.

Recently I have been inspired by so many things. I saw step up 3 with my friend that inspired me to start writing a blog and with my best friend. I thought the movie was amazing! I absolutely loved the dancing and would recommend the movie to all those dancers out there. Dance has always been one of my passions. I began dancing in a studio when I was about 5 years old and did every kind of dance there was for 3 short years and I moved. Even though I stopped going to dance classes, I was constantly making up dances-either with my sister or by myself. And to this day…10 years later…I miss dance sooooo much. So I decided to take dance classes at state. I’m so excited to start dancing again. I’ve been aware of how much I love and miss dancing since I stopped but watching step up 3 really revived that passion in me all over again!

Last night I saw Eat, Pray, Love with my best friend and I was inspired all over again for a whole different reason. There were a couple concepts in that movie that just blew my mind…in a good way. The first was the way the main character (played as Julia Roberts) is living her life in the beginning. It was like she knew for a long time that she wasn’t doing the right thing or she was constantly making compromises in her life and suddenly it hit her that she was unhappy. She was living in her comfort zone which I think is the worst thing for you. She realized she was in a marriage that she didn’t like, her job was okay but still not her passion and she just felt dead. She said at one point in the movie that she used to have an appetite for life and its gone now and that she was going to get that back.

That is probably one of my biggest fears in life…to make compromise after compromise and wake up one day with no life-no passion-no drive-no love for life anymore. I refuse to let that happen.

Love, Nicole